*honk* Woo! Go my favorite sports team!

... *honk honk* Yeah! They scored a goal-unit! *honk* Beat the opponents... soundly... (Brian Reagan)

O Holy War! The stadium’s quickly filling,
To see our fight with the school from up North.
Long may Max Hall pass forwardly to Collie,
Or Pitta, Reed—yes our ball shall go forth.
They’ll dodge past defense, no- we’ll never stumble,
We’ll crush their dreams of busting BCS.
Fall on your knees! Oh see how the Utes crumble!
Go fourth & 18! We’ll live the dream & take back the Mountain West.

Led by the light, we heed the Word of Wisdom—
From coffee, tea, drugs, & beer—we refrain.
But at the U they think that it is all dumb,
So they’ll be drunk when they come to the game.
Our linebackers are nice and cleanly shaven,
While all their players look like girly men—
Dreads to their knees, they’re just a bunch of cavemen!
Oh please, just learn to shave! & be behaved, for you know we will win!

Bronco has taught them to show no compassion,
His word is law, and the Cougs shall obey.
Ne’er will their Offense see so little action,
Our D will make sure that we win today.
Sweet hymns of joy, our fight song chorus raise we, With all our hearts we praise the white and blue!
Mountain West Champs! Oh how we love a 3-peat!
Ra Ra, RaRaRa Ra! Go Cougars! Go BYU!
Ra Ra, RaRaRa Ra! Go Cougars! Go BYU!

Music is well said to be the speech of angels.

(Thomas Carlyle).

This post is going to be mainly taken from my personal notebook, which I carry around with me most of the time. To preface: I spent the week in Utah, visiting friends and my little sister, and for the most part being afforded the opportunity to ponder in a different setting than the unpleasantly hot Southern California. Naturally, being somewhat of an eclectic individual, I brought along my trombone, as if he were my companion and we were going on an exclusive getaway to the charmingly adventurous Provo scene... which pretty much meant that I couldn't stand the thought of not practicing for a week & it gave me something to do while everyone else was in class or work. I was fortunate to observe one and a half marching band rehearsals during my stay, both of which left me with a feeling reminiscent of attending a wedding of an ex-boyfriend... I mean, just having the irrepressible sentiment that I could have been there at that time, playing along as if my life as of 2008 hadn't even occurred... So, with that in mind, here it is from my musings while on the plane from SLC to Las Vegas:

" While praying just now, I was expressing gratitude that I've been able to practice & improve on trombone. It made me think of having a conversation with a dear friend-- one who will always be there as long as you come to them. & I realized that it's like prayer. My relationship with my trombone is very much like my relationship with God. The closeness of both is entirely contingent upon my willingness to act & seek. I have to put forth the effort to get to know how it works, how He has instructed me to live. He will always be there for me, willing to work with me to the extent that I do things in the proper order/manner. Just as Philip will always be there for me to take joy in... Also, a trombone is not something that you hide in a closet, away from the world, but rather something that you share openly with all you meet... I have always delighted in being able to share my music, & to participate with other trombonists in this feat. & with such hectic lifestyles & schedules, if you want to improve your relationship with God or bone, you have to make that time. They are beautiful relationships which can only be maintained by constantly engaging with them, or things that would strengthen those bonds (like service, or long tones). You can't expect to neglect your trombone for 4 months & still have the same sound on coming back as you had leaving. The same is true regarding H.F.-- you can't neglect your testimony, or stop praying/scripture study & expect to have your faith be as strong as it would have been had you continued on in those things.

"Faith requires trials-- events which stretch our pre-conceived boundaries of ourselves. You could be playing relatively well in your groups, & then find out that you're going to be section leader, or trombone 1A of the men's pep band, & all of a sudden be overcome with the enormous pressure of living up to those positions. The habits of playing, practicing, & behaving during rehearsals or games that you used to have must all be improved-- taken to a higher level. You can either rise to those occasions, improve your range, polish your etiquette, & vamp up your Cougar enthusiasm, or you can buckle under the pressure & refuse to grow. No one can force you to be a better person or a better trombonist; no one can change your connection with God, save you. Yes, other people can influence your desire to come closer to God, through their testimonies & their positive outlook on life; & people can influence your desire to become a better trombonist by the purity of their tone, their superior sight-reading skills, or their overall commitment to this wonderful instrument.

"I had an econ professor at Mt. SAC that said that the payoff you get from something should be directly proportionate to the amount of work you put into it. Basic economics, or thereabouts. Makes sense; it's a 'reap what you sow' policy. I've seen this in many of the day-to-day transactions & personal relations. If you study well & do the homework you'll learn the material, & if you skive off & daydream then you'll be hard pressed to come out with anything worth value. Same kind of thing with friends--- if you take the time to spend time with them then you'll have a stronger connection that isn't possible without it. However, I don't think this quite applies to the 2 main relationships stated before. When you take the time to know, serve, & love God, He will bless your life so much more than the efforts you put in (Mosiah 2:21--... I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.). With the trombone, I've found that the returns to practicing and playing have increased exponentially. Even a little bit of daily practice & such is met with the wonderful associations that you only get when you're one of the bones. For me, at least, just being able to share in my musical pursuits with others and rejoicing in really neat trombone arrangements is more than I can ever really repay.

"This goes out to every trombonist that I've ever had the good fortune to play with. You'll never really know just how much I've valued a duet or ensemble moment played along side you. & also, to Philip & Dusty, who have stayed with me loyally & are always reminding me what it means, in their own symbolic way, of how to draw closer to God. Thank you."

& I think to myself,...

... what a wonderful world... (Louis Armstrong)

Do you ever stop to marvel at all there is around us? The intricacies of a blossom floating serenely to the chilled November ground, or the way the wind blows up a storm of leaves that chase you down a rainy sidewalk? I am constantly reminded of all the mathematical miracles that nature exudes. Autumn is a spectacular time of year.

When do people loose this childlike wonder and excitement? Perhaps it's the necessity of adulthood to throw off the giddy acts of exuberance in favor of a more reserved type of nature adoration. Yet, I can't see much to hiding forever the joy of witnessing life pass by each day. Wouldn't the self imposed modesty of your affections really just be another way of lying to yourself? It just seems so depressing. I want to run into the wind with a coat clinging to my shoulders, desperately attempting to stay on my body and not get swept away with the horde of leaves and other tree debris as they come rushing by. I want to wear huge boots and jump into fresh mounds of snow for the mere pleasure of feeling it squish under my feet and watching puffs of white shoot off again as if the snow were falling a second time. There are days when I look into the dark and stormy clouds and imagine myself flying through them, cutting them apart like a machete to a bean bag, and laugh as the beads of water spill out onto the inhabitants below. When I see the sun setting over the desert, I imagine the sky to be permanently changed to red, or else a vivid green, or the more subdued tones of lilac and lavender. When I think of beaches, I fantasize about wearing shorts and a jacket, hopping from rock to rock overlooking a tide pool full of oddly assorted sea creatures. I revel in the old fashioned machinery that dots the countryside and speaks volumes of the technological advances that have come in the past fifty years. & every instance where I feel this way is accompanied by the shame of adulthood, and not feeling secure enough in that status to lay propriety to the wayside and just go crazy.

I would love to travel, wandering from one location to the next and drinking in the country, city, town-- whatever atmosphere that I find. I don't know why, but I'm often restless, never wanting to stay in the same area for too long. If ever I were to find a spot that I could consider on a more permanent scale as my 'home', then it would have to have all of the charms that I look for everywhere... Of course, a place can be breathtakingly beautiful and all the advantages of pleasant weather, but if you have no connection to the people who are there, then it's no different than the mundane, dreary habitation. Beauty has always been meant to be shared, and there's no reason to ever exclude someone you care about from all of the beauties of this world. I want to share the world, but that would mean opening myself up again to someone, all the while running the terrible risk of being further aggrieved by my associations. Maybe that's where people go wrong... Expressing joy in leads towards the chance of having someone or something enter into that part of your heart which, if abused, can never fully heal on its own. Save your inner child.

Everybody's got something to hide...

... Except for me and my monkey. (the Beatles)

3 random things that highlighted my yesterday:

• there was a random homeless guy holding up a sign by the freeway on-ramp, holding a sign that said something to the effect of his being hungry. I happened to be holding half of an Italian Club sandwich, wrapped, and thinking about how I wasn't really that hungry for it, especially if I was to get pizza at The Pie later on. So, I gave it to him. I hope he found it exceptionally delicious.
• this one's kind of awkward-- the flight from Phoenix to SLC was packed, so naturally I found myself right next to a guy from CA who's a student at Utah State. &, well, I'm really not the best at small talk, & it didn't help that I couldn't tell if by sitting next to him I was obliged to make conversation or flirt, or what-have-you... so that entailed a few strange, pointless conversations, but at least he was tolerable (though not handsome enough to tempt me....
• right as I got out of the flight area place, I was welcomed by my two good friends, Whit & Tara. I put down my carry on luggage just to take a breather and talk more freely. Well, this little boy, hardly bigger than my suitcase, comes up, grabs hold of the handle and starts pushing it. It was so freakin' cute, and his mum was rather embarrassed.... Apparently he wanted to help me push my suitcase. or he wanted to steal all of my clothing....
• this is the fourth thing, & I know I said three, but whatever. While at the Pie, I had a clumsy me-moment, and accidentally knocked over my water glass onto Tara's lap. it sucks because I was quite thirsty. Sorry, Tara... Also, a drunk guy tried to hit on Whit as we were leaving. Hilarious. the end.
  

Whenever this world is cruel to me...

... I've got you to help me forgive. Ooh, you make me live. (Queen, You're My Best Friend)

Relationships were so much simpler in elementary school. If you didn't like someone, you just wouldn't play with them. Playground sports were dictated upon who was the best and not the most popular. Minor hurts and pains were forgotten about, and just because you had friends of the opposite gender didn't mean that you had any romantic inclinations or expectations of them. Then again, perhaps the following link would shed some light on the more dangerous aspects of those early childhood cross-gender friendships (It's cute, and only last about 2 minutes):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6ylxWcwkUM

Instead of trying to figure out an appropriate way to bridge the previous stuff to the following, I'm just going to jump right in. I have about an hour until I need to leave for work and frankly, you're going to have to learn to deal with that.

Can a married person have good friends of the opposite gender? I discussed this with a guy that I had been dating for half a year, and we both decided that you can't. Not in the way that you have friends in the single sense. You can be friendly with them, but nowhere near the extent that an unattached person can associate with others. Gone are the days when you can casually hang out in a guy's apartment with his roommates while playing Guitar Hero & eating pizza. There's a certain level of emotional responsibility that you owe to your spouse, and you can't be truly keeping that if you're investing it in others of their same gender. Wait, this sounds a bit strange... I guess what I mean is that, you can have friends, but not good friends, not the emotionally connected friendships that are often formed in the single years, not the types of friendships that could give any hint of romanticism. I think that, in essence, your spouse becomes your funnel for the connections that you can safely make with unrelated members of the opposite gender. Other types of connections can be by nature a bit too risky, and a possible cause of jealousy or unneeded strain on your relationship with your spouse. If that makes any sense.

Imagine, just for now, that you are a 20-something year old single female. For no particular reason except for that of it being familiar to me, imagine also that you are an econ major that plays trombone. Most people find friendships where they spend the most of their time and emotional effort. So, in this scenario, you are surrounded by men. Naturally, friendships are formed in those situations, but there's two different paths. Either they can be shallow, or the "class/work only" kind of friendships, or else you can have an emotional connection. So, instead of talking about football or asymmetric information and their influences in auctions, you talk about life. Well, the asymmetric information could still be brought up, but more in how it relates to the changing influences of parents or roommates. Deeper conversations that reveal more than just team preferences. Ones that expose your feelings about religion, the world, and how to reconcile your fallen position to the course you want to follow. Maybe this is a feminine approach to relationships/friendships, but I never pretended that I wasn't female...

What do you do, when you value one friendship above the others? What do you do if you realize that of all your male friends, there's one in particular that you couldn't stand to lose? When thinking about how relationships should change if either friend gets married, it's been easy for me to accept that there would be diminished returns from most guys. You have to make it perfectly clear that you think of them in only a platonic way. & above all you can't rely on them to comfort you if you don't make the team or tank your audition. There's a change in outlook. So what do you do if you find out one day, after months of retrospection, that you love your friend? You can't stand the thought of one day realizing that you can't keep this up forever, that someday they will marry someone else and you won't be able to talk to them again, because how could you honestly be around them without feeling that strong emotional attachment?

When my boyfriend at the time and I were discussing the marriage-friendship dilemma, I thought that he was talking about a good female friend of his, but I think he was talking about us. I loved him, with everything that I had, but he decided to break things off because he didn't know if he should marry me. Something about praying about whether he should and not getting an answer. Maybe that was just a polite way to say that he didn't love me in return. When there's been no visible wrong committed, it's hard to think of a reason to not stay "friends"... the ever dreaded and somewhat false assumption that two people can remain friends after one has told the other that they love them. We agreed that the only way to be able to move on was to stop associating with each other. It's hard to forget that you love someone when you are bombarded with instances to peer into his perfect blue eyes and remember all over again.

Again, I wonder.... Why would you fall in love with someone you're not even dating? Why should that emotion come when you had assumed long ago that there was only friendship between the two of you? Is it because of the realization that this type of friendship must have an end, and that you can't imagine a life without that person as your friend? I sometimes think that emotional attachments are cruel, because if you care for someone, they have the greatest potential to hurt you. What I wouldn't give to be back in kindergarten, where friendships weren't under the looming, watchful eye of love. For right now, I echo the words of a former roommate: "We can't have a DTR; we don't even have an R yet!"

He loves me... He loves me not... (every girl who's ever torn a flower to shreds)