It must be Thursday. I never did get the hang of Thursdays...

Holy canoly, I haven't written in a while. My bad. Obligatory recap: I've gone home. Well, I went back to the place where I grew up, at the very beginning of July. So, things have been drastically different. For starters, I don't really have a room. Well, I have a bed and a pathway to a door and a bookcase, but the majority of my room has been hijacked by my mum's kindergarten supplies. I get my room back as soon as my incredibly messy older sister finishes moving her room into my oldest brother's old room, and then all of the kindergarten and sewing supplies will be transferred to her old room. It's this whole messy juggling act that makes me really wish that I could be back in Provo sharing a room with someone who has about twice the volume of possessions as myself. The only roommate I ever had that owned less than me was Risa, but I think that's due to the huge cost of transporting things from Japan to Utah and back... Either way, my stuff is at the opposite end of the house and I won't be able to set up my computer until the rooms get back in their proper order. Internet is a luxury good.

Also, being in Southern California comes with the drawback of not having contact with friends anymore. When I was in Provo, even though I was terrified to be around a lot of people at a time, I could still have contact with peers, friends, supportive adults... Here, there's just... the female side of my family and the handful of people that I work with at Podge's La Verne Juice Company. I can't awkwardly relax with my dear friends when I feel in a funk, or walk around campus in the middle of the night/day if I get restless. I'm trapped at my house or at Podge's, with the weekly venture to the church building. I can't stand being confined like this. Especially when I have no one to talk with. No one that I want to talk with. At least not about what's on my mind. I have no idea how to confide anything in my mum, Jacie's always gone with her friends, and Katie's still with a guy who's 15 years her elder, not Mormon, works at Target (not management) and possibly gay. CA died for me a few years ago. It's still just me and the dogs, but at least now I get to leave the house everyday to go to work.

I don't know if I can actually do it. I've been in a depressed, pained way for about half a year now and they don't let people do what I'm trying to do unless that stuff is completely resolved. I gave up so much to get here, and I don't think I could handle not being able to do it now. I need to get better, but part of that getting better involves talking with certain people that I have been waiting for three months now to talk with. I want to tell all, but not to all. There are so many conflicting emotions, and all I'm really certain about is that I can't stand leaving without talking to a certain someone first. I don't want to lose them. Yet, I fear that I already have. I've lost so many things already, that I guess I have to give it up to ever really gain something in return.