people go mad in idiosyncratic ways..

perhaps it was not surprising that I find myself in that glorious illusion of high summer days... gliding... flying... now and again lurching through cloud banks and aether's, past stars, & across fields of ice crystals... Even now, I can see (in my mind's rather peculiar eye) an extraordinary shattering and shifting of light, inconstant, but ravishing colors laid out across miles of circling rings. & the almost imperceptible, somehow surprisingly pallid moons of this Catherine Wheel of a planet. I remember singing "Fly Me to the Moons", as I swept past those of Saturn, & thinking myself terribly funny. I saw and experienced that which had been only dreams, or fitful fragments of aspiration. Was it real? Well, of course not-- not in any meaningful sense of the word 'real'. But did it stay with me? Absolutely."

I don't know who wrote that. I think my brother said that it was some woman suffering from bipolar disorder. Anyway, I was thinking about this ...limerick? ditty? poem? rant?.... just now. Mainly, I was wishing that I could control my dreams, at least to an extent that I once had. Perhaps it's just because I feel as if there are too many people to be with, too many books to read, too many songs to memorize, & too many chances at getting scraped knees from my lack of rollerblading skills for the time that I have. I really do wish that there were 48 hours to each day. I want to do everything, live as many lives as I want to live, read as many books as I could possibly read, paint & draw as many portraits/drawings that my hands will allow me, & play my trombone all day everyday with all the guys. There's just no time! ("There's no tiiiiiiiiiime!!!") Yet, I have all the time that is available to me. Inaction will only further the already building anxiety of starting school all too soon. Strange, that I should long for the new experience of grad school while at the same time wishing to remain in this state of somehow blissful limbo. I get to move this week, just a few blocks away, but it seems as if time will always work the opposite way in which I want it to move...

A few weeks back, I overheard the following exchange in the cafeteria at work:

"What should I get?"
"Whatever you want."

Granted, they were talking about food from a vending machine, but I think that this type of over-privileged attitude in poisoning our society. People think that they should get whatever they want, because they're so special & deserve it. But you'll have to apply to potentially hundreds of jobs before someone will take you on, & perhaps even more so when it comes to dating...

"Wouldn't it just rock n' roll if liking somebody meant that they had to like you back? 'Course that'd be in a different universe and something else would probably suck."
-Kristin Chenoweth, "Pushing Daisies"

It's perfectly fine to want things, but once you start expecting it you've gone too far. The tenth commandment (you know, the one about coveting people's asses) still shows itself plentiful in this era; how often have you watched in envy as some other girl goes on a date with the guy of your dreams? Or simply wished that it was you or a deserving friend that was getting married instead of that crazy/disturbed/immature/emotionally unbalanced one?

I often wish that I could let my conflicting desires just have free reign of their respective forms... One of them would play trombone all day, the other would spend hours collecting data & running regressions on computers, & then going to movies. Another would become a gourmet chef for an upscale restaurant. Then there would be the one that would get a degree in marine biology, & work part of the time as a dolphin trainer in Sea World & the other part of the time on an exploring vessel, tracking the movement of sharks... Still another would be living in a cabin in the forest (as a park ranger). I'd have a huge, mastiff/wolf styled dog as my guardian... & that's not to mention the ease I'd find in trying to flirt with people, especially if I ever get in the awkward position of fancying more than one guy at a time. I don't know why flirting is so hard; perhaps because when I really fancy a fellow, I really am interested in what he's saying or doing or drawing-- so I pay attention, just as if I'm in a really fascinating economics lecture, & that might be construed as just... being friends? I'm not good with the physical aspect of flirting, for a number of reasons, but do guys still get it when you're just... interested? Maybe not if I get into the whole 'shy' realm, where I'm afraid to call, or text, or talk because I'm afraid that... I won't be able to have that connection in my life. Like, I'm just not good enough to have that type of emotional intimacy. Oh, wait, I'm rambling on about relationships again, so it looks like this post is over for today. Sorry for the 4 months of not writing anything. DI can drain the life out of anyone...

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need." the Rolling Stones