...until they get hit. (Mike Tyson)
I'm just going to stop planning things. No more rigid guidelines of my own making that I feel extra pressured to complete by a fixed timeline. There are just too many variables in life that make everything into an impossibly complex game tree for which I am a player who doesn't know the node that she's really sitting at... I thought that my actions that led into the weekend would most definitely lead into the outcome of having my mission papers submitted to at least my bishop, as the other possible paths involved seriously dominated strategies. I had not foreseen the path that led to me needing to go to a larger hospital so that more skilled physicians could determine the severity of the strange & rather personal health predicament in which I find myself at the present day. Well, past month and a half, actually.
Emotionally, I'm like potpourri. Before this unpleasant health realization, I was already juggling with the thrill and pressure of doing the best I could to be a great sister missionary, the pain at leaving the band that I love and regard as a second family, the edge of uncertainty as to when I would get called on a mission & whether it would be before Fall term ends, and the overall feelings of loneliness and despair at being stuck without any friends and limited family/friend contact in Southern California.
Now, alongside the lovely list above, my life has lurched into a completely different game tree that has me and my plans pitted against "fate". New sentiments that have arisen inside of me include
annoyance,
fear, and
gratitude. Perhaps in that order, too. I'm
annoyed that my plans continue to be frustrated, as I had just come to accept that my enormous game plan had been abandoned last second as I
moved back home for the summer and dropped all of my classes. Why should I have to face another stumbling block that might just make the alteration pointless, make my sacrifices worth nothing but the pain of losing out some brilliant experiences in a different location? My
fear comes into the uncertainty of my health predicament. I'm
afraid of the emotions that I would have to come to terms with if these issues prevent me from serving,
afraid that the letdown would simply devastate me and send me back to the emotional state that I was in for almost all of the first half of this year.... Yet, perhaps overshadowing that (well, shadow isn't exactly the best visual aid there, as it tends to come across as the type of emotion that sheds light on something,... meh...) is the sense of
gratitude that I have to actually be in the place and have the time to fix whatever health problem this turns out to be. Although I don't know what's causing it (that would be the fear), I'm pretty sure that it would still have plagued me if I hadn't been planning to go on a mission
now, and if that were the case, then I would be stubbornly in Provo, enduring the occasional pain (which seems to be increasing, though at a decreasing rate). Perhaps, should this be a serious condition, catching it early and being in an area where my health providers reside is a
good thing. Surely I wouldn't have even taken notice in the symptoms if there hadn't been a question on the personal health history form on the mission papers... I seem to be quite
lucky in that regard...
So, it seems as though the best that I can do is to try to complete the plans that I set forth to do. Whether I get to follow through, that really isn't in my hands anymore. I guess it never was-- the only difference is that now I'm acutely aware of how little I control anything but my will. & even if I don't get to do this, I'm still going to try; I'm giving my will to Him.
