"..it is not requisite

that Amanda should run faster than she has strength.." Mosiah 4:27 (with slight alteration...)

So, sometimes it seems as if everything follows a cyclical pattern. There's the economy, which takes its turn going through recession & expansion... There's the pride cycle, which does pretty much the same thing except you replace the temporal with the spiritual... There's the relationship game, which I have long been convinced that I only date someone I really like every two years... & then there's health. Okay, so health doesn't really travel in a cycle (maybe a bicycle...?), but there are some things that keep coming back to me. Sort of like a painful deja vu, if you will...

When I was in fourth grade, I sprained my ankle, which put an end to my dreams of becoming a great jazz saxophonist (really, that was a blessing to the whole world-- I'm terrible on the sax...). Anyway, I was on crutches for about two weeks, which is never fun, but it's some unwritten rule that everyone has to be on crutches at some point in your life, & it may as well happen when the worst consequence is that you can't carry your sax to school anymore instead of your can't make it to class or work on time. So, no big deal, that came & went, blah blah blah. The really crummy thing was what happened like a month or so afterward.

So, the day before the absolute coolest field trip in the fourth grade (CA Gold Rush Days-- where you get to go hiking in the hills or something & pan for gold, pretending that you're one of CA's early settlers or something..) I felt a bit of a painful twinge in my hip whenever I tried to move it in a certain direction. Hmmm... Maybe that's just sore from not really being able to walk on it a couple weeks ago, right? I'll just sleep it off- it doesn't hurt that bad, & it'll probably just go away in a day or two like my sprained ankle did.. Cue ominous music. I wake up the next morning, & all was pain. I couldn't move either of my legs without this excruciating pain that shot through both of them. This was not the dull ache of a sprain, but like someone was jabbing a hot spear into me whenever I thought about moving them even a fraction of an inch... My mum had to help me change into a dress because there was no way I could even try to get pants on. Luckily I'm a girl & that is socially acceptable. My brother (I can't remember which one- I was in pain & it was over 13 years ago...) had to pick me up to put me in the van, & I get to take a field trip to the doctor's office. No CA Gold Rush Days for me... My family physician can't tell what's wrong with me, the x-rays show no abnormalities, so they ship me off to the medical facility in Fontana (about a half hour drive east of our city, off the 10, depending on traffic), where I stay for six days. Not even a full week. I'm really not sure what was wrong with me. They couldn't tell at first what was wrong with me- or, at least, they didn't tell a 10 year old what was wrong with her- but there were words thrown about like 'water-on-the-knee' {a build up of white blood cells in single location that gives the swollen appearance}, 'severe acute arthritis', & even the possibility of 'lime disease'. Hey now~ I wasn't eating any limes to get like this, someone please tell me what's going on! Grrr... It took me a week to be able to really move my legs again without that huge pain. I remember my dad sleeping on the chair next to my bed each night. Probably the best memory of his love for me that I have of him. Other than his last "words" to me being "I love you"(since he really didn't have any teeth or a voice at that point, I'm not sure if it counts for actual words). Anyway, I couldn't stand that ordeal. I'm not sure if I really did have lime disease, or if that was just the closest thing they could relate it to...

So, after that, every couple of months I would have a day or two when I couldn't move one or both of my legs in a certain way, but that eventually stopped. Until 7th grade, & I vividly remember a girl in my PE class (Amanda Brockman) coming at me while swinging a baseball bat & saying that she had escaped from a mental institution & was going to kill all other Amanda's out there... Maybe that's why I don't much like watching softball or baseball... But since then, no, not so much with the days of not being able to walk or move. Every now & then I wake up to a huge leg spasm, or my foot will randomly decide to cramp up for a half hour. Meh, I can deal with it all, no biggie. But, I hope you can appreciate why I get really nervous/scared/anxious whenever doctors tell me that whatever I'm going through is not normal (bleeding without pain) & that they don't really know why it's happening, just that it is. I hate going from one doctor to the next just to be told that they don't know exactly what's wrong, but maybe this other bloke can take a look around & see how to fix you. I don't want a bandage, I want the name of the condition! A name is a most powerful weapon. For instance, now that I know I have UC, I can know what to expect, how to treat it, & when to seek help if it gets worse.

Sunday afternoon I had another episode that reminded me of fourth grade. Starting in the afternoon, & progressing all evening, I couldn't move my right leg without at least a little pain. By the time I decided that it would be a good hour to sleep, my leg wouldn't let me. There was absolutely no position that I could find myself in that wasn't very painful. I was up for at least an hour or two, & I could barely hobble around on my one good leg. I was crying. I was scared. It reminded me so much of the pain I felt 13 years ago & had to be hospitalized for; I didn't want to have that happen again. I don't know how or when I finally fell asleep for the first time. Probably around 3. Then waking up at 5-6 to take some more pain killers, followed after a while by another 2 hour nap. Then I figured I'd read a bit upstairs from Jane Austen's Emma, & that's quite a boring book, so I fell asleep for a half hour then, too. Beside the point. The point, if there is one, is that this experience really terrified me. I have some plans that I really want to be able to execute, but if this stuff randomly happens to me, then how will I be able to walk or bike ride up to 15 miles-ish per day? How will I be able to manage not being able to see a doctor when time is no longer an available commodity? So much is coming in my way for what I'm aiming at, & I don't want to be blown off course. I have a work to do, & it will get done, whether I can literally move or not.

Sin que seas, en fin, sin que vinieras

brusca, incitante, a conocer mi vida..." Pablo Naruda

There you have it. He's gone. Not quite as suddenly nor as inspiringly from my life as he came to know it, but I won't see him for two years now. Perhaps longer, maybe even forever... Sam is now in the MTC. I know, I know - I said long ago that I wouldn't wait for a missionary. I even figured that coming to BYU as a transfer student would spare me from that whole situation, & considered myself to be quite clever. Okay, I didn't really think of myself as clever, but I never thought I would date a Pre-Mish... I never thought that I would fall in love with an anime-loving, Gumby tie- wearing, Computer Science major from Wisconsin, but I did. I even gave him a spatula, & what better way to say 'I love you' than with the gift of a spatula...? He's such a wonderful guy & I'm sure that he'll be the most amazing missionary ever.

I'm not 'waiting' for him. He is not my boyfriend. For the next two years, he is going to be in a serious relationship with the LORD, & who am I to try to vie for his affections, to try to distract him from the work that he has been called to do? I have my own life to live, & I can't waste the next two years pining after the best man I have ever dated... We came to an understanding while he was in WI & I was (am) in UT-- that I should date. Or, at least, try to. If we're both still single by the time he gets back, then he said he'd like to give it another go-round, but that is assuming a lot of things. It's assuming that he'll still want me in his life, that I'll still be around, that no one else will come in the way. People change a lot in two years, I mean, I've changed sooo much just in this past year alone! My DNA is still the same ( I hope... cursed zombie-vampires...) but life led me on a little lane of experience and growth... I know that Sam was the perfect guy for me before he embarked on the road of missionary-ness, but who's to say that it'll still be true on the other side of Arizona & my graduation? {btw, I'm mainly writing this for me... I don't much care who all sees this} In short ("too late"), I have to let him go & trust that as long as I'm doing what's right that God will lead me to the life that He needs me to have, whether it leads me back to Elder Sieber or not. Translation: I have to try to let other guys into my life. For my sake as well as for Sammy's. Sigh...

So now what? Well, I figured I'd post a bunch of pictures of Sam. Yup. May as well, since I won't see him for a while. & since after this I won't have any new ones of him, really, to post. Maybe in three months I'll have some of me with someone new, maybe I'll never really fall in love again... Just gotta live & see where it takes us, eh?

Dinosaur Sam???

I guess you could consider the Heart Glasses Night as a precursor to the path that Sam & I would take together... Full of silliness, hearts, and much laughter and good times...

I think this was the day when I realized how much I liked Sam. I mean, I liked him before, as a friend and all, but seeing him with alien & lobster balloons really captured my heart... & after that I decided that a 4 year age difference didn't really matter at all. If only I had figured this out earlier-- I might have enjoyed much more Sam-time...

...but it had to come to an end, & much sooner than I wanted to, I found myself driving my Samurai to the SLC airport so he could get ready for his mission from the convenience of his home in Green Bay, Wisconsin. His flight was delayed for a few hours, so we went to the Pie, but he was the one to take photographs there, & for some reason he couldn't find any pics later... :(
Of course, the next time we would see him, we won't have the luxury to be nearly so close or comfortable with each other. Gotta follow mission rules, & keep it at arm's distance and a nice firm handshake...

Naturally, his last meal before the MTC would be none other than 'Kung Fu' Panda Express... & his creative/random/Samish side emerges at the end of the meal (not that it was hiding much :P)

Till we meet again, Elder Sieber. <3