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I had a hard time thinking of a good quote to start off with. Part of the problem was that I was looking for something that expressed logically the sentiments I wish to describe. Then I realized the foolishness in that because what I'm feeling and thinking has no logic, really. So I picked something silly, from one of my favourite trilogies in five parts... It actually kind of fits, though...

Something wonderful has happened for me in my life. I'm still trying to figure out how I let this happen... I fancy someone. Muchly. Like, I see the good in pretty much everything, and life is grand kind of fancying. I haven't fancied someone, at least not as much as this, for about two years now. Which is why this is a big deal to me. I've dated between then and now, had boyfriends, etc (wouldn't you like to know what etc means here...), but I can't say that I fancied them. I wanted to, but no... it didn't really click together with my randomly discriminatory emotions. I can't quite explain, but for some reason I enjoyed spending time with these guys, but I knew that living with them long term would probably drive me crazy. I've probably only fancied about... 3 guys in my life. So, in a sense, fancy is that awkward stage between liking someone and possibly loving them. Oh, I don't like to use the l-word about a guy or anyone, really, unless I never intend to take it back. Like, legitimately use it, not in the "I love lamp" kind of way... or said in passing about your ward, roommates, sports team, etc. Blah.

Part of what happens when I fancy a guy is that I get super conservative in how I allow myself to interact with them. I have a huge bubble-- I jump at everything and my first reaction to someone touching me is to move out of their reach or in some other way flee the situation. Once I start to trust a person, I can train myself to remain calm if they sit close to me on a couch or in a car or something. If I like someone I might even let them hug me, although quite often it leaves me feeling super awkward but I've learned to mask my face so as not to offend my friends (which is why I carry one of those Phantom masks with me everywhere... jk). Of course, my body sometimes decides that it'll trust certain guys instantly, & I don't feel that sense of claustrophobia when they come into my personal space by holding my hand, hugging, or kissing me. So, unless I'm extra aware of that just being a random body reaction, it gets me into trouble. How irresponsible of a reaction, Amanda...

But when I fancy someone, my bubble becomes permeable to them... I find their touch, their presence to be most welcome and desirable, and the lack of contact to be suffocating. Yet, I fancy them, which means that I view them in utmost respect and want to be able to continue being in their good favor for as long as possible. Translation: no matter how badly I want to kiss the guy and cuddle and all that other stuff, I won't do it. I can't. My heart and mind won't let me do something that would gamble their presence in my life. I just want to be able to be my best, and respect them in the same way I want to be treated, which means that anytime I would try to make a move, I have to ask if it's okay, or at least be given very obvious cues that let me know what's up. Which brings me to the beginning quote.

I am ridiculously oblivious to my own standing in relationships. While I can see usually if someone likes another person, if that other person happens to be me, then I'm blinded to accurate interpretations of flirtations. Meaning that I will not know if I'm dating someone unless I'm flat out told by that person (well, we'd have to be in agreement verbally or ... written-ly...). This is how I ended up 'dating' a guy for five months without ever being sure during that time that we were dating. & while I did ask if we were dating, he combatted it with some vaguely nonspecific words, and a reference to him 'having a missionary'. & then we'd end up spending practically every waking hour with each other- studying, eating, playing, working, etc... I was terribly confused. In my mind/fantasies, I assumed that we were, but I never really felt comfortable referring to him as my boyfriend. It's a silly term, anyway. & while I eventually fell in love, I only ever kissed him on the cheek, as I respected him and valued his worth too much to risk having a physical embrace that could potentially be a way to represent the carnality of our mortal selves.

& I find myself in a similar situation of obliviousness now... See, I didn't plan on this. I liked this guy before (as in, I liked him before I fancied him), and thought that he was cool and all, and enjoyed spending time with him. I entertained the idea of dating him when I first met him, but then I found out that he was a freshman and decided that most people wouldn't be in favor of an age difference reminiscent of Padme and Anakin Skywalker... So I didn't want to scare him by trying to flirt. Well, random circumstances led us to realize that we "like" each other (ie, fancy). & although the normal person would have picked that up from the hand-holding and the talking at length and the spending time with each other bit, I could only realize that he liked me because he told me. I mean, I know that I fancy him, but I couldn't tell if he felt similarly unless I asked and he said straight out. I don't like to make too many assumptions, if any, when it comes to the corners of someone else's heart. So now, people that know me ask if I'm dating this guy. My answer: I have no idea. He hasn't said that we are. In a certain descriptive account of the term for dating, then we probably are, but I can't really say. I mean, he's leaving for GB after finals, & then a mission to AZ on 10 June... I'm just certain that I particularly fancy him more than pretty much any other guy I've known; his unique set of personality traits, mannerisms, interests, humor, and physical appearance is exceptionally appealing to me in every way. The most that I'm able to say without feeling overly awkward to people is that he is my Statistically Significant Other.