I bet I probably could've crawled home by now...

... I need a drink. / Does chocolate milk come from a chocolate cow? It makes you think. / Oh no, all gone/ Nothing makes ya thirstier than Waiting, Waiting" (How to Eat Like a Child [& Other Lessons on Not Being a Grown-UP])

So, I am in a process of waiting and hoping once again... You'd think that I'd be good at it by now, but that kind of sloppy thinking leads to... uh, something bad. Anyway, because I don't feel like divulging to the world at large my current plight, I'm leaving everyone with a nifty moving picture box. I could go for a Snickers bar right about now. Enjoy!

Caer esta permitido...

... levantarse es una obligacion. (La Oreja de van Gogh)

Just what does the power of choice signify? In the politically charged media, "choice" too often refers to things which are more often than not resultant upon the inability of certain people to make the proper preventative choices, or else a lifestyle that may be argued to not even be a choice at all. Yet, I am pro-choice. Most people are, though, in the way I intend that statement to be.

I believe that everyone has a choice. This is not surprising coming from a person who has chosen to study economics, which is essentially the study of choices (well, the allocation of scarce resources to unlimited wants...), nor from an avid member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In both of those endeavours, the concept of choice is crucial, if not central to their very foundations. The four requirements for any economic model: Agents, Choices, Payoffs, & Constraints. These 'principles' can be found in the model of the plan of salvation found in 2 Nephi 2.--- :11, opposition in all things (choices); --:13, law (constraints); --:16, act for yourself (agents); & --:26, Knowledge of good and evil (incentives/payoffs). These can be a bit roughly stated, as I'm going off of notes I made instead of opening up my scriptures again (who does that more than once a day? *chiste*), but it makes me feel more confident in the study of economics if I can find those same characteristics in the gospel. Anyway, you can't avoid choice. The very act of refusal or inaction is a choice. Not every situation is going to present a clear, do-this-or-that, right-or-wrong type of scenario. Nor will there be a two-way split. Even for a presidential election, the choices aren't limited to McCain or Obama (although most intelligent people will see these, unfortunately, as the only rational options-- no need to throw away your vote on a third or fourth party candidate...). Sometimes, the best you can do is to choose to react well to a poor situation. This ties into my recent switch from being pro-life to pro-choice.

As a matter of principle, I do not agree with any endeavour that sheds human blood (well, if it's donated that's a different story...). I'm against war, the death penalty, and abortion in its selfish state. War, as I see it, should NEVER be a pre-emptive strike, such as the one that's been bundling on in Iraq. While it is prudent to apprehend and punish the terrorists responsible for the attack on the World Trade Centers (I cringe whenever I hear people say 9/11; honestly, that day happens every year, but the event to which people refer only happened once...), we aren't necessarily going after them. Instead, good ole Dubya has dubbed this a "war on terror", which can never be won, not without the powers of heaven in their full grasp, with the earth being renewed to its paradisaical glory... You can't have your enemy be an emotion or sentiment, it must needs be a literal, tangible group or person, otherwise there can be no real progress made. Anti-war, check. Death penalty-- for one thing, if you weigh all of the appeals, court costs, research etc. for someone facing execution, against the costs of lifetime imprisonment without parole, the latter will mostly be the less expensive route. But costs don't mean much to me. I'm in favor of abolishing the practice of killing convicted criminals, no matter what the crime. That doesn't mean I want to have tea and arugula with a man who killed his girlfriend and sent her innards to a local elementary school as sausages, I just echo Prof. Dumbledore's sentiments that there are things much worse than death. Check. Abortion-- I don't support it, but I'm no longer adamantly opposed to it. I still think it is a terrible alternative. Late-term abortions, when the person has obviously known and failed to act upon it earlier, are still things that cause me to shrivel my nose in disgust. However, I don't think I could take away that option for certain women. I've had a few... unpleasant.. experiences that have made me realize, if only a fraction of a bit, the horrors of a woman who has been violated, abused, or raped. The pain alone of knowing that someone has used you like that can kill the soul. Usually, it's not a stranger, but someone the woman knows. When you're that scared, confused, and hurt, it would be a sign of utmost courage to report the incident when it occurs. Or at least within enough time to be able to physically prove it happened in a negative manner. I believe that abortion can be an option when the pregnancy threatens the life of the mother, or in cases of rape/incest. But I fear that if the law were to narrow it down to only those situations, some girls, scared and hurt and confused, would be denied access to that... There should always be a choice in pregnancy, which is usually made when both parties consent to the act which initiates it. When one of the involved is forced, it takes away her ability to choose, and leaves her in a pretty terrible spot. I know the majority of my LDS friends probably won't condone my words, but gratefully, not many of them have had that terror in their lives. I can't say with a certainty who has, not just from confidentiality, but because it's a hurt you don't usually share with people.

This ties into something less political, te juro... For those of you in the know, which is surprisingly few due to my inability to articulate myself adequately and without prompt, I've been having a bit of trouble getting my mission papers in. Because of a long involving game of church policies and telephone tag between past & present bishops & stake pres., I didn't get to even start them until the very end of August. Dental was taken care of completely in less than a week. Yippee hooray. Medical would have been squared away before the ides of September, but there have been... complications.. Beware the Ides of September! It turns out that I *might* have a serious condition, but the doctors won't know if it's a lifelong, 'I'm going to have to learn to live with it because it won't be leaving me like my last boyfriend' kind of thing, or something that'll clear up with a few months or weeks of intensive treatment... I thought that the unpleasant medical procedure I went through on Sept 16 was going to hold the answers, but... okay, I had a sigmoidoscopy, but that only shed light (literally) on a portion of the problem, so on the 27 of this month I get to go in for a full colonoscopy so they can determine the extent of the problem. I won't take medication until then, because I kind of need to say exactly what I've been going through in order to show that I'll be physically able to handle a mission.

When my personal physician told me 23 Sept. that I might be able to go on a mission in about 6 months or so, I was pretty devastated. I wanted to be gone by now, not have to wait until March or April... I thought immediately of all of the things that I "had to give up" to get to where I was... marching band, the company of friends, freedom, dating, tutoring student athletes in economics (I had grown quite fond of an Egyptian tennis player who's currently in one of the intermediate price theory courses)... so naturally I felt crushed and lifeless, as if my chosen path was laying destitute, bloody, and naked at the feet of an uncaring cannibal. It was a hard, stress-filled week. At least it was a bye week for the Cougars, otherwise I would have had to face the joyous pains of watching a football game of the team that I love, knowing that I could have been there cheering and playing. I was too emotionally exhausted to cry.

Then, a paradigm shift. I saw how extremely fortunate I am to be where I am. My problem started at the beginning of August, and the symptoms aren't exactly things that cause me to quiver in fear of my well being, except for when the pain pours on, but that only happens once or twice a month so far. Honestly, I wouldn't have thought about it much if not for one question on the missionary health forms. I started noticing more and more things that I would have shrugged off as 'one-time' occurrences and then promptly forgotten, to be repeated in a vicious cycle. The pain has only been something that has heightened in the past month. If I hadn't been planning on a mission, I would be in Provo, Utah, where I would not have easy access to health care, as I'm covered by Kaiser Permanente, which isn't exactly a Utah kind of thing. I wouldn't have known where to go or how to make things stop. & I'd probably just be looking to relieve the symptoms, which probably won't help much in the long run should it be serious. It's like I'm looking for my personal health "K-star-gold" in a Solow Growth Model centered instead around me--- I'm willing to endure more physical discomfort now in order to enjoy a better well-being in the future (don't ask me too much about macroeconomics, I'm probably going to have to retake that class anyway...) Another very fortunate thing is that, as I am still a "student", I'm still covered by my mum's health care service, which means that I only pay a reduced, $5 ffs amount for each hospital visit/procedure, which have been many, and probably very costly if I had to cover everything... If I had waited, as was my plan pre-June 08, until after graduating from BYU to set this in motion, and had I endured through the unpleasantness of this condition, then I wouldn't have the coverage I need. & I needed to get away from some people, okay- person, at BYU. It was completely unhealthy, which I realize now. I've been away from the terrifying company of the eligible bachelors of Provo, and able to grow in self confidence and respect, both of which had plummeted to dangerous lows during the past 8 months. & I learned where my priorities reside, because that's what I've chosen over the glamour of dressing in wool and moving mechanically around a grassy field. The only thing that could make me give up the music that I sorely miss and love-- God.

Faced with all of this- I have a choice. I am a girl; I'm not socially obligated to serve a mission. No one is forcing me to do something I don't want to do. This isn't like February. I have the power to choose my path, even now. So here's my plan: I go in for a colonoscopy on Oct 27, the same time that I can register for Winter term. I register for classes. If my diagnosis is serious, or would keep me from going on a mission before late February, then I'm back at BYU. If it turns out to be minor and patched with a few helps of lasers and drugs, then it's mission papers, ho! I'll need to discuss this with my bishop, of course, to see what he recommends as far as the papers are concerned, but that's what I'm banking on. If I'm back at school, then I'll come back to a mission after I've graduated, which should be a year from now. Of course, that's assuming that it's still right for me to do at that time. I've been wondering, with all of these things, if this isn't my personal test of Zion's Camp. It could very well be the adversary's attempts to thwart my mission goal, but this could be a period where I'm tested, like Abraham, to see if I'll put my trust in the Lord and do what He wants me to do. I've had a lot of time to ponder (nice comeback!... never mind...), and I think I'm emotionally ready to deal with whatever outcome I face. Two and a half years ago, I took comfort in the phrase, 'you're allowed to fall, but obligated to arise', in that I was able to let myself feel bad for once, knowing that I could then pick myself up. No need to feel bad about getting down as long as you know how to rise up. Now, I have realized that a sense of obligation isn't sufficient. Only by making the conscious choice to do good/do better can you really experience the true, liberating sense of your actions. Thank you.

Hi Susie! Guess what I brought for lunch.

(Calvin & Hobbes)

I'm glad that I didn't grow up during the Industrialization, when the government had no hand in how the "free market" operated. Looking at descriptions like those found in The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair, makes me revel in the fact that my employers cannot subject me to workplace situations that are life-threatening, that health codes are in place, and that any US citizen can receive a wage no lower than the minimum value set by the state in which they reside. I guess that means that I'm glad I'm not working in a US based firm overseas, where these standards that are taken for granted at home are disregarded. I don't see what makes those markets so "free". However, the subject I wish to press upon tonight is not my view on the free market; for that I would wish to pour into all of my economic training and cite credible sources, making sure that I have the proper information. & I'm tired tonight, so whatever. To be continued, I suppose. No, tonight hits a bit closer to home. Mine, in fact.

Since the middle of July, I have been working at the same deli that employed me before I transferred to BYU. The time that elapsed between then and now was roughly 2 years. Before, work times were fixed at least a week or two in advance, you were never alone in the store (except for about 2-3 hours if opening), food and breaks were adhered to as CA labor laws permitted, supplies were obtained through a reliable source, and the finished product was uniform and more importantly-- fresh. Now...

Things changed, as they are prone to do. Alas, this change was mostly a downhill endeavour. There is no longer an on site manager. Employees working for CA minimum wage are expected to handle all aspects of the store, alone, for about six hours at a time. Because of pressure from the "managers"/owners, closing the store for the required half hour off the clock break is frowned upon, and the only way to take a bathroom break during those times is to lock up the entire store. There is no light outside the back door, or in the gated dumpster area in the corner that's shared by a few other businesses. The city only gives 2 parking permits for the businesses in the area (one goes to one of the owners who oversees catering, and the other is in the possession of a former employee who owned a massive truck that couldn't be parked on the street), so regular employees (there are four of us) have to park a few blocks away every day. Food that used to be delivered on a consistent and reliable basis are now ordered through the owners, which means that maybe they'll remember to pick up half of the items on the list, even though you're out of everything and have been reminding them for days. Not one of my coworkers holds any respect for the owners, although no one will confront them about how they should be managing their business. The last guy who confronted them about legitimate faults was fired, and in a time when the job market is slim pickins, no one wants to go through the hassle of finding another job--- yet. Health standards that were so rigid are now almost the kind of thing that are known but rarely followed. I've been scolded for trying to move some brownies away from the only hand washing sink in the work area because the owner wanted customers to see the freshly baked brownies. I'd rather them see my freshly washed hands, as the only gloves they provide for us are at least 3 times too big for anyone's hands. The sandwich standard-- what goes in each sandwich and in what quantity-- has all but evaporated, and different owners will tell you different things. The worst thing has to do with the soups. Yesterday, I threw away a soup that had been initially created two weeks ago. That. Is. Disgusting. Yet, every time that one of us employees made a prior attempt to toss it, an owner would come in, take a look at the soup, and then throw in a bunch of ingredients and expect to see it the next morning. Why, why would anyone expect that adding some fresh, delicious ingredients into a cauldron of crap suddenly transform it into something people pay money to eat? I've thrown away cheesecakes and "fresh" fruit that has had mold growing on them. I've watched my owner pick up plastic containers that have fallen to the floor, blow them off and use them, with the 5-second-rule as an excuse. I am the only employee who has a food handler's permit, which is for another state, & has probably expired by now. I have screamed in fear at least twice when leaving the dark store to the darkness outside because there have been people standing or walking close to the exit. I have burst into tears as I faced a rush of people, alone, and with a dwindling supply of food/drinks due to an unexpected rush from earlier. I have not seen one note of encouragement to motivate me to "do better" or "work harder" or clean up more thoroughly while manning the store alone, but I have received many chastisements from one of the owners, in front of customers, for not doing something the way that it "should" be done, like cutting the strawberries too roughly or refusing to place cooked food directly on the metal work surface that hasn't been properly cleaned... I don't even know when I'll be working each week until the Sunday before. In reality, it's not the "owners" who are running the store, it's the four "part-time" workers. (One of my coworkers, a student at a local college and soon to be dad, has recently had over 80 hours clocked for two weeks... Yet still the employers insist that they have a full staff...) & while we have the capability of running this store, and making everything effective and efficient, the owners get in the way... no one has any desire to work there any more.

I used to wonder why the employers didn't pay a higher wage. In a intermediate price theory class that I took over a year ago, we discussed the interesting relationship between worker/boss. The employee has a natural disposition to shirk, while the owner has other obligations that keep them from overseeing the work constantly. If the employee is caught shirking, then the owner will fire them, or reduce wages, or some other negative impact. If the employee is making a starting wage that matches their other work options, then switching jobs if caught shirking is relatively costless and therefore shirking is worth the risk of being caught slacking off. If, however, the employee is making more at their current position than other entry-level jobs, the cost of shirking increases. Say they are making $4 over the wages offered at other firms in which the work is identical--- they wouldn't want to risk being lazy and fired, because then they would make $4/hour less at their next job. To combat that? They work a little bit harder. Going back to one of Mankiw's ten points of basic economics, incentives motivate people. Duh. With the workload my employers are expecting us all to bear, it baffles me that the only time they've raised wages was when CA increased their minimum wage. They may say that they're losing money on this store (business can be brutally slow, + they really don't manage things well), but as they are expecting one employee to take on the task of three, then they haven't taken into account the huge amount they're saving on not paying to have three people on the clock when one would "suffice".

I used to take pride in the higher quality of food found at my place of employment. I used to be able to expect the standard to which my work would be held. I used to feel safe in the store. I used to be able to take a break during a shift just to sit down and recoup after a hard few hours bustling around. I used to be able to park directly outside the back of the store & not have to walk 3 blocks to my car on a dark side street. I used to not be afraid of assault or attack while working or leaving work. I used to care about my work. Guess things change, eh?