Fish are friends, not food.

That title is a lie. I've never had a fish friend in my life, unless you consider the Applewood apartment pet, Rufio the Beta fish... Then again, he started off anorexic and later decided to up and die with clean water, so...

The point is I've finally started reading and researching for my big health care & economics paper. It's on the Japanese health care system and how it relates to the US, whether we could or would even want to implement some of their practices, why we're different, and so on... I've learned quite a few things that are pretty interesting, and have a handful (literally) of useful notes on the inner workings of the system. Still, I don't have as much as I would like to have, but it's pretty neat. I guess it's easy to learn a lot of things when you don't really know anything about the item of interest to begin with. Oops... The actual point is that all this researching Japan business has caused me to become very hungry, and what else would I crave after reading about the land from which my first non-related roommate hails? Sushi. I must have sushi! Oh, the way that the rice, seaweed, fish, and veggies combine in that magical way that makes every bite a memorable experience... (it doesn't help that I haven't eaten anything in about 6 hours).

I have wanted sushi now for a long time, but my appetite has failed to be satiated. Why? For some reason I have this thing against going to a restaurant by myself. I have no problem getting take-out food, because then even if I have to wait in line for a while (like at Cafe Rio), I can always pretend that I'm ordering for some friends as well. I don't tell anyone that, but as long as I think that, then I assume that others might give me that possibility as well. This thinking gets helped out quite a lot if I can talk to someone on the cell phone while in line; people might think I'm getting an order for a friend or significant other who's running late or taking care of other special arraignments, so I have no need to feel awkward (more awkward than I usually feel). Coincidentally, if I have ever called you and asked if you would like for me to get you some food from somewhere, that is why. The big secret is out (to all 5 readers? I don't know who actually reads this blog...). I can't stand being alone in restaurants or other places that seem to have been dominated by groups and date-like expeditions... Also, I want a variety of sushi, which is something that is more easily attained by spreading out the marginal cost of new varieties among a group of friends at a respectable all-you-can-eat sushi location...

So, why not just get a group together to get sushi? Well, the last part of that question contained the answer: sushi. Not many people like sushi, or at least not many people prefer sushi to other types of food that they can get. I was lucky enough FW semesters to have roommates who loved sushi, but also unfortunate enough to have lost their digits and doubt I could get in contact with them again... My current assortment of friends, mostly girls, don't like sushi. Not enough to buy it. So what does that leave me with? If I can't get sushi with friends, then who else can I get to have sushi with me? Ah yes, this is BYU-- so naturally the answer must be dating. That's it! I should go out with a guy and get sushi on a date! Brilliant! Oh, wait, no... not going to work... I seem to have forgotten some of those norms of life, one of which being that it is usually the guy who does the asking and choosing of location and activity of said dating events, the other being that I am, well, me... the second clause guarantees that the first part won't even happen... Of course, that is quite the assumption to make, but I tend to base assumptions off of past experiences, and the past 4 months have acted as an indicator to me that I am not what the guys of BYU have interest in as far as those activities are concerned... I'm just a bit too shy, too strange, too different, & not quite attractive enough to cause anyone to notice me in that sense. & given the kind of emotional struggle that I've been through this year, sometimes I don't mind that lack of attention. Sometimes I freak out if a guy even looks at me, like I get terrified of him and what he could possibly mean by that. Other times the distress I've been through makes me want to get out even more, to find out that not all guys are jerks and some can be quite charming... & then there are times like this, when I'll be leaving in a week, and I really, really really want to go out to eat at someplace I've never been before and have a conversation with something other than an inanimate object. I want sushi! (double meaning there)

I think it's amusing that this post started off about food and ended more about dating, while an earlier post started out focusing on dating and then changed to food. That's all. Tchau.

Don't talk at all! Show me!

Conversations are weird. No, let me change that... Conversations are downright awkward and quite often just feel unnatural. ...If you happen to have the same name, birthday, and Social Security number as myself, that is... I often wonder why that is, but have found that wondering about them never changes the fact that the human discourse, as described above, tends to stay the same for me. (You'll notice that I didn't actually define conversation or discourse, but merely described them. I find that when you define something it really defines you... & well, I've started to get quite paranoid about stalkers, & the last thing I want is some creep to look me up in the dictionary...) Technically, that means that I am the cause for the strange disarray that all conversations with me involved flow... usually in such a manner as to describe a person with Parkinson's disease and slightly blinded trying to decorate a cake under a black light on a houseboat... as I *am* the only common factor of all of my conversations... but I don't feel like taking that much responsibility. Where would be the fun in that? There's the off chance that everyone with whom I've ever shared a few sentences happens to be slightly strange and not the material of eloquent discourses, but that is quite improbable. However, just because something is highly improbable does not make that event impossible. That's why you have to include nodes and actions on game trees that will never be reached, because there must needs be a plan for every possibly event, not just the probable ones...

I must make it clear that not every dialogue I've participated in merits the use of crickets as a background track. Sometimes things appear quite normal and polite. Most of the time I don't participate much, so there's nothing strange to note. However, there have been enough strange exchanges that necessitate me to reevaluate how I talk with others... except since I have never evaluated it before, not formally at least, this makes it an evaluation without the re- added to the beginning...

Every person is different. It seems logical then that every person has a unique set of thoughts-- some people will have similar ideas and speculations, but your thoughts are never exactly the same. Conversations then are most natural when two or more people who share a similar thought set let each other know how similar their thought sets are. Even if people disagree on certain issues, their way of relating to and making known their preferences are similar enough to make sense to each other. Naturally, people with similar thought sets congregate with each other, forming bonds and units of people (work, dating, sections, revolts, etc).

My problem is not knowing which units I mesh best with... I admire so many different types of people that it is hard for me to find someone with a thought set similar to my own. Most of the time I can go off into any subject, but deciding upon that subject gives me the most unease.. "I am willing to amuse you if I can, sir-- quite willing; but I cannot introduce a topic, because how do I know what will interest you?" (Charlotte Bronte) It's because of this sentiment that to some people I come off as quite the dullard, while other of my friends are continually amused by my antics (although perhaps they just enjoy the dullard type). I find that, especially with attractive specimens of the masculine variety, I am speechless merely because I want to be able to talk freely but have not the slightest idea as to what would interest us both to the same degree... I can't readily see the connections of similarities... Especially if I already know about them through friends and like what I've heard--- that's when I'm most likely to clam up and act shy and aloof... much to the chagrin of those that know me and think me charming, witty, and good company (are there any of those?)

It doesn't help that I dislike small talk. I think I once offended a rather attractive member of my Game Theory class when I told him on the first day of class that I thought small talk was so small minded... I just wanted to skip to the part of the acquaintanceship where both people know each other and are free to talk of bigger things, more substance, or more random. Small talk makes me think that you're interviewing someone to be your friend, but asking all of the least important questions... The answers might give you a clue as to what to talk about in the future, but most of the time there's not much depth to be gained from "What's your major? Where are you from?"... It very much reminds me of some lines by Robert Frost:

Say something! And it says, 'I burn.'

But say with what degree of heat.

Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade,

Use language we can comprehend.

Tell us what elements you blend.

It gives us strangely little aid,

But does tell something in the end.

That's why I feel awkward in conversation, I guess. Getting past the small talk; saying something more than "I burn"-- getting to know more about someone than the superficial 20 questions gig... Perhaps I need to wade through more 'small talk' before I can jump into the exotic. It's just so dang hard most of the time. I wish I could see every one's thought set and determine which intersects are the most inclusive with my own. (AB n ??) {AB "intersect" random person} ((the n is supposed to be an upside down U))... the end.

Out damn spot!

So, some guys stopped by this morning before 11... thank goodness I was already wearing pants... uh... anyway, apparently they came by to clean the carpets. Whit mentioned something about it, but I didn't realize it was today. My first thought was that it was a sneaky ploy to steal everything from our apartment while Whit was gone doing whatever, & I had to be at work at 11:30... but I didn't care enough to call her to verify their presence. They gave me about 45 minutes to get things off the floor and straighten up, which was nice of them. If I had been truly worried about their criminal appearance, I probably would have transported Philip & Dusty (my trombones) to the Kick Astrovan (my transportation) before I left... but I didn't. Later, after work and a few various meetings that I'm obliged to attend, I noticed an orange slip of paper saying that men would stop by to clean the apartment sometime today, which made me feel much better about the whole thing. However, I really would have preferred that they had cleaned the carpets at least a month ago... I don't think the previous inhabitants of this condo kept things very well in order, and the overall dirtiness of the carpets caused me to have much disdain towards them... then again, I prefer things to be kept in a clean, pleasing fashion, so any type of dirtiness makes me feel ill at ease... I mean, how are we supposed to think of our homes as a place of refuge, rest, and all around feeling good and such if the place is a pigsty? The carpets felt pretty darn weird to walk on while they were drying. the end.

He likes it! Mikey likes it!

I often wonder why there is such a dichotomy in the romantic affairs of the people I meet... There are so many attractive persons that go on with little to claim in the affections of the opposite gender, while people that I find quite offensive that appear to not be lacking in lady or gentleman-ly comforts. Okay, yes, there are many reasons to explain this phenomenon that I constantly witness (one which I find a bit too tedious to detail when I assume that many are already familiar with the setting; your own imagination can paint a much better picture of this than my words can), yet they all seem a bit detached, or at the very least not filling enough of the measure of this epidemic...

One explanation is the simple matter of preferences. Preferences vary between people, which is a large part of why people like myself can even study economics without worrying about the subject dissolving in its usefulness with the advent of some miracle drug. So, while I think that some people are "dateable, very dateable" and others in whose presence I wouldn't care to spend 5 minutes of my time, it becomes obvious that there are enough people with the opposite sentiment to make that not the case. For example, a guy that I dated for a while this past year, who I frankly didn't think much of towards the end of the whole ordeal, found love in a certain young lass and they were wed at the end of April. He was, honestly, the last guy I could imagine that would be able to deal with a family life, but she didn't think that was the case, and now they are married.

I've heard the notion that "there's someone out there for everyone", but that always seemed ridiculous. That's a vaguely specific statement to me. I reject the notion of a Saturday's Warrior type soul mate--- if that were the case then I'm certain that mine died quite a while ago... No, a better way for that oft repeated phrase would be that there are types of people out there for every type of person... Of course, that is too wordy to be cross-stitched onto a pillow with flowers bordering the edge, so it will never catch on. It's true, though,,, at least, I hold it as being an accurate portrayal of my perceptions of life.

Life is like a very random smorgasbord of people and experiences. There is something for even the wildest taste out there... If I were to compare people to food, then I'd say that the majority of the girls that go on frequent dates are like pizza; they seem like a safe venture to the hungry male, but only because they don't know what else they want... most people like pizza, but if they had the opportunity they might opt for onion rings, or calamari, or herb roasted peppers stuffed with feta cheese, etc. They just need to try it. Dating, however, has a huge time cost associated with it. If you only have so much emotional units to put forth in a finite amount of time, then why try sushi if you think pizza is just fine? You might hate sushi, or you might love it, but you won't know until you try. Most people will never try sushi, because they assume that there's no possible way for them to like it. I thought I would hate it; I can't stand cooked fish, or any form of salmon, so why should the raw stuff be any better? Yet I tried it once, daringly, and now I absolutely love it. Except the salmon, that's just gross... but people are like that. People will stick to their own perceived flavor of dates, and then they'll never know what life has to offer them - what joys there are to be discovered. In the meanwhile, those of us who are self proclaimed yellowtail rolls will waste away if no one comes to try us dipped in wasabi laced soy sauce. There's nothing wrong with the people who don't date, per se, it's just that they aren't pizza, so people are afraid. & I just lost my entire train of thought, so that's my cue to stop rambling on about abstract food related dating stuff. the end.

What's in a name?

This is the obligatory first sentence to let the non astute reader know that I have created a blog. Honestly, your stumbling upon it must have been some indication... But I must go along with formalities and such in order to get onto what I would really like to talk about, and that is names.

Shakespeare is often quoted as having written "What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet". The Simpsons gives the retort "Not if you called it stench blossom." Names then become very important not only in coming to a consensus as to what it is you're talking about, but also how you view things. Take for example the following list of synonyms: Rad, awesome, cool, neat-o, nifty, and so on all give off slightly different vibes even though they all in a sense communicate that you approve of a certain noun or verb, but the selection of any one of those over the others tells a great deal about who you are. It is your style, your essence, your very tribute to the world. Names, word choices, punctuation --- they all say so much, often literally, about who you have made yourself to be.

& now to explain this blog's name, "The Hour of Repose." In one sense, I wish to make this medium of expression a place to rest from the world I live in. It also happens to be part of a passage from one of my favourite novels, Jane Eyre:

"It is always the way of events in this life, no sooner have you got settled in a pleasant resting-place, than a voice calls out to you to rise and move on, for the hour of repose is expired."

I have often found myself quoting this at different times of my life. It just describes me so well... my life keeps throwing events at me at the exact moment when I think I have a handle on everything... My life is filled with movement from one place to the next, never really feeling as though I am 'at home' until I am called to leave.

In the coming weeks, after I finish a health care & economics paper on the workings of the Japanese health care system and the likelihood that the US could implement or copy some of their styles, I shall be going home, to my Claremont home. Yet, I do not wish to leave this place. I was just getting to a point where my shyness had suceded enough to let me talk with people around me and socialize, and then the voice called me to rise and move home... There are so many people that I really wished to have known better, but I will now probably never know more than as a familiar acquaintance. I don't know why I have to go home now; why the events that are to come into my life in the next few months have decided to choose now as the 'right time', but when I hear a theoretical voice telling me to go and do, I do it even though I have no idea why. There are other thoughts, meaning I have other thoughts on this matter, but I must be off to Idaho now. So many journeys...