Don't talk at all! Show me!

Conversations are weird. No, let me change that... Conversations are downright awkward and quite often just feel unnatural. ...If you happen to have the same name, birthday, and Social Security number as myself, that is... I often wonder why that is, but have found that wondering about them never changes the fact that the human discourse, as described above, tends to stay the same for me. (You'll notice that I didn't actually define conversation or discourse, but merely described them. I find that when you define something it really defines you... & well, I've started to get quite paranoid about stalkers, & the last thing I want is some creep to look me up in the dictionary...) Technically, that means that I am the cause for the strange disarray that all conversations with me involved flow... usually in such a manner as to describe a person with Parkinson's disease and slightly blinded trying to decorate a cake under a black light on a houseboat... as I *am* the only common factor of all of my conversations... but I don't feel like taking that much responsibility. Where would be the fun in that? There's the off chance that everyone with whom I've ever shared a few sentences happens to be slightly strange and not the material of eloquent discourses, but that is quite improbable. However, just because something is highly improbable does not make that event impossible. That's why you have to include nodes and actions on game trees that will never be reached, because there must needs be a plan for every possibly event, not just the probable ones...

I must make it clear that not every dialogue I've participated in merits the use of crickets as a background track. Sometimes things appear quite normal and polite. Most of the time I don't participate much, so there's nothing strange to note. However, there have been enough strange exchanges that necessitate me to reevaluate how I talk with others... except since I have never evaluated it before, not formally at least, this makes it an evaluation without the re- added to the beginning...

Every person is different. It seems logical then that every person has a unique set of thoughts-- some people will have similar ideas and speculations, but your thoughts are never exactly the same. Conversations then are most natural when two or more people who share a similar thought set let each other know how similar their thought sets are. Even if people disagree on certain issues, their way of relating to and making known their preferences are similar enough to make sense to each other. Naturally, people with similar thought sets congregate with each other, forming bonds and units of people (work, dating, sections, revolts, etc).

My problem is not knowing which units I mesh best with... I admire so many different types of people that it is hard for me to find someone with a thought set similar to my own. Most of the time I can go off into any subject, but deciding upon that subject gives me the most unease.. "I am willing to amuse you if I can, sir-- quite willing; but I cannot introduce a topic, because how do I know what will interest you?" (Charlotte Bronte) It's because of this sentiment that to some people I come off as quite the dullard, while other of my friends are continually amused by my antics (although perhaps they just enjoy the dullard type). I find that, especially with attractive specimens of the masculine variety, I am speechless merely because I want to be able to talk freely but have not the slightest idea as to what would interest us both to the same degree... I can't readily see the connections of similarities... Especially if I already know about them through friends and like what I've heard--- that's when I'm most likely to clam up and act shy and aloof... much to the chagrin of those that know me and think me charming, witty, and good company (are there any of those?)

It doesn't help that I dislike small talk. I think I once offended a rather attractive member of my Game Theory class when I told him on the first day of class that I thought small talk was so small minded... I just wanted to skip to the part of the acquaintanceship where both people know each other and are free to talk of bigger things, more substance, or more random. Small talk makes me think that you're interviewing someone to be your friend, but asking all of the least important questions... The answers might give you a clue as to what to talk about in the future, but most of the time there's not much depth to be gained from "What's your major? Where are you from?"... It very much reminds me of some lines by Robert Frost:

Say something! And it says, 'I burn.'

But say with what degree of heat.

Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade,

Use language we can comprehend.

Tell us what elements you blend.

It gives us strangely little aid,

But does tell something in the end.

That's why I feel awkward in conversation, I guess. Getting past the small talk; saying something more than "I burn"-- getting to know more about someone than the superficial 20 questions gig... Perhaps I need to wade through more 'small talk' before I can jump into the exotic. It's just so dang hard most of the time. I wish I could see every one's thought set and determine which intersects are the most inclusive with my own. (AB n ??) {AB "intersect" random person} ((the n is supposed to be an upside down U))... the end.