I don't care if it hurts,

...I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so f^@%!&' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here" Creep, Radiohead

Oh, grad school. It's been, what... 3 weeks? 4? Let me actually check. This is the 5th week. It feels as though no time has gone by, but at the same time-- 5 weeks is super long. & it hurts. I had this song stuck in my head for the first week or two, at least, just because it echos much of the inadequacy & emotions that were swarming through my brain like so many variables in a dataset; unorganized, raw power waiting to be harnessed if only the right programmer would come along... When I get super frustrated/anxious, when emotions flood my system, when so much is asked of me in so little time, I tend to shut down. Usually not everything, but the parts that are hurting the most. Like, if I start to cry, I automatically block myself from whatever it is that triggered it, & continue on in a somewhat detached manner. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. They get dammed behind some emotional barrier. The problem is that doing that, even though it's mostly subconscious, takes a lot of energy. & that barrier isn't indestructible. I don't always get control, even though I very much want to have that. So any little thing, or linear combination of things, or geometric combo--I won't discriminate-- may set me over my limit.

Other times, when I want to be able to feel something, anything, to know that I am alive,... I can't. I just want to bleed to know that my heart is still pumping. It reminds me of the Robert Frost poem, "Choose Something Like a Star": "say something, & it says, 'I burn!'"... Even right now, I can tell that I am being stretched awkwardly into something (hopefully) better, but I'm too exhausted to go on. I should be setting aside all of this stress & plowing forward with my assignments, but my brain is 5 minutes away from frying out like it did 2 weeks ago. So what do I do? start typing nonsense on a public forum for close friends & complete strangers & awkward creepers alike to judge me with...

"I want you to notice
When I'm not around..."

Looking for internships terrifies me. I don't know whether to limit my search to one area of the US or another, or even if anyone would want me. I desperately need a break, a sabbatical, but I think that I first just need to prove that I deserve one. I'll try not to get in a school-coma this semester. Even making it to the end of this month is going to be the accomplishment of the season... All I really want is for someone to give me a spatula...