Friday Night

/My heart is still beating" The Click Five

Wow. Can I just take a little breather, please? Let me step back for a moment to regain my presence. I'm going to start by saying that life is scary. There are so many nodes & paths that you can follow, & you'll never be too certain which ones lead to your own personal Nash EQ... the best you can hope for is to reach a few subgame perfect Nash Equilibriums as you figure out how to get where you might want to be... It's like reading a map in Arabic where all the streets look more or less the same, your destination isn't clearly marked, & also assuming that you do not, in fact, read Arabic. Plus you don't know how long you have, because chances are your map places you in the midst of a dangerous place full suicide bombers. Or maybe ice cream truck drivers. You can't tell; it's all in Arabic.

I applied for graduation today. Assuming I don't fail any of my classes this semester, I will be graduating in December with a BA in Economics, & a double minor in Spanish & Music (I don't care if that's not supposed to be capitalized...). The end. El fin. Double bar line. But wait, there's more! ... I'm just not sure what that is... Part of me still wants to try for a mission, while the other fraction wants to get out in the job market. The hard part is not knowing what values to assign the probabilities of either. One of my BYU econ professors once said that the best thing about being an economist is that you get to spend the rest of your life figuring out what you want to do when you grow up. I also heard once, from some random source that I cannot recollect for the life of me, that one way to pick a major in college is to study something that you're very interested in but also very bad at-- that way when you graduate you'll be good at it. Or something along those lines. I'm pretty sure that if you were to ask some of my close friends, or ex-boyfriends, what one of my biggest faults is, they'd tell you that I'm way indecisive. My major is essentially, in the most basic breakdown of definitions, the study of choices (the allocation of scarce resources). I'm graduating soon, but I still can't make up my mind... I can, however, be indecisive about it using a more advanced reckoning & vocabulary. That's a plus, right?

And now for something completely different...
Winter term, I knew what/where I'd be & with whom. No questions asked, really. While for me that group of people essentially just decreased by one person, the value that I associated with that person makes it seem as if the robot in control of the language settings on my life just switched everything to Arabic. I really wish they'd stop doing that, or pretty soon I'm going to just have to pick up that language. I didn't think tonight would be hard for me, so the mistake of poor planning falls on me alone, I guess. It doesn't help that the humor/personality of my econ prof reminds me strongly of an ex-bf of mine, thus making me super nostalgic each lecture... Yet, here I am. Friday night. My heart is still beating, but for how long?